Have you ever thought of your family as a system? That's exactly what it is when it comes to family parenting. Not just you and the children but your parents and siblings all comprise part of the system of raising children.

In my situation, being a new father I really had no idea how the parenting model worked other than I knew I had a family parenting system in place. During the first few years this was an absolute blessing. When I thought I wasn't doing it right there would be reassurance in the shape of my parents. When I needed to be away for hours at a time there were no shortage of baby sitters available. But family parenting isn't all "beer and skittles." The family parenting system can also hide some deep, dark secrets. Let's examine some of the factors within a family system.

Roles

Look at the roles people fill in your family. It’s ideal to do this before you have kids, because you can readjust roles easier then, but you can still do it even if you have grandkids. Remember, we’re talking about the entire family parenting the children.
History

What is your family’s history, including parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins? Are there a lot of divorces, affairs, addiction, early deaths? What’s the religious history of your family? How about social or financial status? As you look at your family’s history, you may see patterns that alert you to potential problems that could come up in your family.

Relationships

What are relationships like in your family, and are they close, or distant? What about the relationships between parents and their parents and siblings? What about the relationship between parents? Step family parenting, gay family parenting, single parent family parenting and traditional family parenting are all different, and bring different relationships into the system. It’s helpful to evaluate those relationships. What part does each member of the family play in parenting the children?

Secrets

This is a big one, and some people need counseling to sort out family secrets. Family secrets are secrets that are never told, but intuitively known, and wind up being passed from generation to generation. Family secrets are poisonous. A common family secret is incest, and until someone breaks the silence and talks about Uncle Jim and what he did, incest will happen in future generations, too. Family parenting means revealing all the secrets so that they lose their power.

When you think about the entire family parenting the children, you discover that you have resources you didn’t know you had, too. When you are undone by parenting, you can turn to other members of the system, and you will know the appropriate members to turn to.

If you learn that Grandma grew up in a remote area without friends, you understand that she’s not cold; she’s unskilled in relationships. You know you can turn to her for practical help, but not for support when you’re having a rough day. On the other hand, once sweet Uncle Jim’s secret is exposed, you know it’s not safe to leave the children with him.

The family parenting system can be a complex one. There are, as you've just seen, many aspects to consider. Your child's early years are so important in the development of his/her personality. The thing to keep in mind is that each part of the family parenting system affects all others. Growing up, I was surrounded all the time by not just my siblings, but numerous cousins. Thinking back, I used to wonder why my relatives on my mom's side did things differently to my dad's family. Now I know!